When I go to live shows, I hear voices in my head.

from Ban Obara #3

I am writing this while sitting on the window sill of the Shinkansen bullet train with a stick. I am on my way back to Tokyo from Osaka.
I was in Osaka for about a week and went to a live concert two days in a row, got drunk, ate yakiniku, invited Miram-chan to hang out with me in my neighborhood, went to blackbird books and bought books.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to say to Miram-chan, a singer-songwriter, but when I go to live shows, for some reason, the voices in my head get louder and louder, I start talking on my own, and I often find myself unable to concentrate on the songs and before I know it, the encore is already over. （I’m a jerk, right?)

But on the first of the two consecutive days I went to the show, I was watching the show while drinking alcohol, and after four 350ml cans of beer, the voices in my head stopped talking.

Then, wow!　Wow!　Wow!　I was no longer embarrassed to raise my hands, no longer afraid to dance or jump, in fact, I wanted to do it!　I was not afraid of dancing or jumping up and down. I let go of my feelings and danced, and in no time at all, my body was full of joy, as if it was natural, as if I had always been like that. I was so surprised. I realized once again how much pure joy there is in a live performance.

I was hoping that I would be able to do that at the second day’s performance without relying on alcohol, so I tried it sober, but my head was full of voices again and I thought it was a pain in the ass.

But still, I treasure the feeling of “Wow!　I treasure that feeling.

Miram, how do you always look at other people’s live performances? Why do you suddenly find yourself thinking about something? I don’t know if I do or not. I’m going to ask you while thinking about it. I hope you don’t catch a cold.

from Miram #4

Ban-chan, thank you for inviting me the other day.

I didn’t tell you what you wrote when we met, so I realized that all I did was talk about me, and I regretted it a little. But I still had a good time, so again, thank you for listening so kindly to me, sister.

I share the feeling of the voice getting louder in my head when I watch a live performance!　I can relate to that feeling!

Do you hear that voice all the time, not only when you are watching a live show, but on a daily basis?　I’m already having a hard time hearing it all the time, but when I’m watching a live performance, it’s like I’m being overwhelmed because it’s so smartly and clearly asserting its outline and will. It’s like it’s thinking back on recent events with great concentration, summarizing them in one word, and then booming it at me!　and let it resonate with me. Then, as if refreshed, it fits somewhere comfortably on the big, high shelf in my head. In this way, I am bombarded with wave after wave of one word. Even though there are people playing on stage and many customers around me, I feel more alone than anywhere else, and somehow I feel comfortable. In that comfort, I feel like I have nothing to do with anyone else, whether I raise my hands or dance to the rhythm. When I find that space of truth, the waves suddenly subside and I am instantly moved. That feeling is similar to what you call “wow”!　I guess that’s close to “Wow! I often find myself waiting for an encore, and then I’m surprised to see how cool the people on stage are. Then, when the show is over, I think, “I wish I could have seen more …….

However, it’s not always this way. Sometimes I worry about the singer’s stuffy nose, or admire the smoothness of the bass player’s fingers. Wow!　is an oddity that comes from a combination of various conditions, so I hope you will continue to go to gigs on your own. I have been to a few more live shows than you have, so that’s about all I can say.

Let me back up a bit, I’m always hearing voices, and I’m usually cold and down-to-earth about them, which is something I don’t feel comfortable saying to people. Everyone has that, I’m sure. I think so, and I try so hard to keep it to myself and work it out, but every once in a while, someone will mention it without a second thought, and I get disappointed, disgusted, despairing, and depressed. Empathy may be the easiest emotion to connect people with, but that’s why I feel down again, as if I wish it were a rapture once in a while instead of a constant calm one. So the other day, when I was drinking with you, I got drunk and mumbled to you that I wanted to go to a concert with you. I was wondering what the heck was going on, and as I was worrying about it, I started giggling too, which was quite amusing. I wondered what “mmmmmm” meant. I’ve been thinking and feeling lately that there are times when I suddenly feel lightened by such things that I don’t understand. Thanks again. I hope you don’t catch a cold, too.

from Ban Obara #4

I didn’t realize that Miram-chan is also the type of person who hears various voices in your head when you is watching a live performance. ……　But the way you feel is totally different. Interesting.

I’m not sure if it’s a “Wow! is an oddity created by the interaction of various conditions” Believing Miram’s words, I hope to go to live shows with a lighter heart from now on.

And like Miram-chan, I hear such voices on a daily basis. It’s not so much that I hear them, but that they are talking. For a single thing, negative opinions, positive opinions, feelings like it doesn’t matter, feelings like I should keep thinking about it, feelings like I want to throw it all away, feelings like I don’t want to give up, feelings like I don’t want to give up, just plain quibbles, and all sorts of other things are falling down like rain. It’s OK if it’s just a light rain, but sometimes it’s like a guerrilla downpour, and that’s not good.

When Miram-chan said, “I want to go to the concert with Ban-chan” I only laughed because I didn’t want you to be able to enjoy the concert more than usual because of me. I don’t think I have the power to reduce the enjoyment of a live concert, but if “one of the various conditions” includes “the feeling of the people you see together”, then I have a feeling that …… is a good place to start, but explaining this from 1 to 10 would be too long and tedious. But to explain this from 1 to 10 would be too long and annoying, so I said, “Hmmm…. Hmmm”. Sorry.

On a different note, last night!　I finished what I had been writing for a long time ( see “vol.1 Winter I really want to overcome” from Kohara-no-mitsu #2). I don’t feel as refreshed as I thought I would, and the pit of my stomach is still heavy, but that’s OK.
I woke up in the morning and without putting on makeup, I took the bus to my former town to buy flowers. The tulip season was already over, so I made a small bouquet while talking with the shopkeeper.

I was so happy that I started talking to myself without being asked, “Well, I’ve finished what I’ve been working on for a long time, and when I’m done, I was thinking of buying some flowers”. I am embarrassed when I recall it. I took the wrong bus on the way home and got off in a town I didn’t know at all. I had no choice but to walk home, and I saw an old lady walking with a cat in her arms. I feel like I gained a little.