In Life’s Persistence, Ayuni D Sends Thanks to Her 16-Year-Old Self

Breaking Out of Shyness: Ayuni D’s Decision to Audition for BiSH

-We read the letter that Auni wrote to us for this project. First of all, could you tell us why you decided to write a letter to your 16-year-old self?

Ayuni D: “When was the first time you made a choice and took a step forward on your own?” I thought, “It was when I joined BiSH. So I wrote a letter to myself at that time.

-It goes without saying that this was a major turning point in your life. 16 years old “back then” was the first time you had the experience of actively stepping out on your own.

Ayuni D: Yes, that’s right. For example, when I entered high school, I decided because it was close to home or because it suited my academic ability, so I did not choose it with the determination of “I will definitely enter here. I think the first time I listened to my heart’s voice was when I decided I wanted to join BiSH.

My personality has never been very proactive. I was the type to do my best as I was told. But when I auditioned for BiSH, I took the first step on my own without telling anyone. I think my curiosity won out over determination.

-I think “curiosity” is a key word for you, as seen in the documentary video titled “Return” on PEDRO’s Youtube channel.

Ayuni D: I have been a shy person since I was born, so even if I had something on my mind, I couldn’t act on it or say it out loud. But when I was 16 years old, I realized that no one would understand what I was thinking unless I expressed it myself. I tried my best to express my curiosity.

I had always been doing various things at home, such as singing, dancing, and making videos. But I had never released them to the world. I was bothered by myself like that.

-Did you have a complex about your shyness?

Ayuni D: Yes. Ever since I was little, my mom used to say to me, “Ayu, you are a shy person who loses it. She was very active at home, but when we went to my grandmother’s house, she would sit on her haunches all the time and not talk. People around me used to say, “You could let yourself go a little more. I was often told, “You could let yourself go a little more.

-What do you think was holding you back?

Ayuni D: I guess I was just being a good girl.　I didn’t like being angry anyway. When I had a bad day at school, I would come home and cry in front of my mom and tell her everything. I did this constantly.

-Your mother took it all in.

Ayuni D: That’s right. Even now, she has always been my best friend.

In BiSH, striving not to inconvenience others, Ayuni D found her voice through PEDRO’s revival.

-The experience of moving to Tokyo from Hokkaido after being accepted to BiSH’s audition and starting to live alone at the age of 16 must have been quite hard for you.

Ayuni D: I had a lot of experiences, and I was desperate to live in the present, but rather than it being hard, I am very grateful to my family and the president of my office for letting me live alone in Tokyo. I am now very grateful to my family and the president of my office for allowing me to take the first step into life in Tokyo. I am keenly aware every day that the power of people is great. I believe that the power of the people around me is what will help me live tomorrow.

-I think the theme of the documentary “Return” is AYUNI’s recovery of her “true self” in the course of restarting PEDRO after BiSH’s dissolution. Did you feel that you had to leave your individuality behind?

Ayuni D: I think I might have had to. I was never very good at school or group activities, so rather than trying to be what I wanted to be, I prioritized not to bother those around me, not to drag them down, not to get angry at them, and to work desperately hard. So, when I was on my own, I sometimes lost sight of myself.

But as I ran with BiSH as a group and grasped various things, I found enjoyment and felt happiness. I was in the midst of a lifelong apprenticeship (laugh), or perhaps I felt as if I was on a lifelong journey of self-discovery.

-Do you feel like the phase has changed a bit from there now?

Ayuni D: Now I finally listen to my heart properly. For example, when my goal was not realized, I can now see it as, “Thanks to the fact that my goal was not realized, I have various options. I am now able to think with hope that my options are unlimited.

-Did you become able to do so after the restart of PEDRO?

Ayuni D: I was able to realize that. Until then, I had always thought that BiSH was all I had, and the experiences and time I spent with BiSH were nothing but a treasure to me. But now that I’ve put an end to that, I’m able to try all kinds of new things and pursue what I love more, including PEDRO. I want to convey through my activities that there is no need to be depressed even if what I had set out to do does not come true, or rather, I hope I can be a bit of a light.

-I think it was also a big turning point when PEDRO’s activities started in September 2018, when BiSH’s centripetal force was getting bigger and bigger. It must have been mentally and physically difficult to go around in circles, but how did you keep yourself in check?

Ayuni D: Two things: one, I didn’t have the courage to run away in the first place. If I really wanted to quit, I could have, but I was afraid of causing trouble by quitting there. I thought my role was to just work hard.

The other thing was that I simply enjoyed it. When times were tough, the members of BiSH and the people around me helped me out, so I was able to keep going. Every day, every second, I was saved by the people around me. When I was too tired to sleep, my mom would call me every night, and when I couldn’t wash my BiSH costumes in time, Rinrin (now MISATO ANDO) would take my costumes home and wash them. I was really able to stay positive because I had someone helping me every day.

Also, BiSH is very unique among groups like this, and we write our own lyrics. I was grateful to be able to express myself through music. There were many people who met me because they sympathized with me, and I was very grateful and happy that my hope turned into someone else’s hope. I managed to keep a good balance between the two and continued to do so.

“I’ve Strived not to Inconvenience Others, but now I See People both Inconvenience and Support Each Other.”

-I think that the start of PEDRO was a half-assed proposal from the president and other staff members, but it is also miraculous in a sense that Ayuni herself has taken on the mindset of actively moving the band forward from there and is now the main force in expressive activities, isn’t it?

Ayuni D: It really is. Because the oasis in my heart became PEDRO. The band just happened to suit my nature. It was also through PEDRO that I learned the difficulty, fun, and beauty of creating something from zero to one in a real sense.

I learned that no matter how negative something is, it can be connected to light. It was through PEDRO that I met Hisako Tabuchi of NUMBER GIRL, the person who made me fall in love with music and bands. The passion that was born from meeting other people has inspired me to get excited about music. I am truly blessed with people.

-But isn’t that also the kind of fate that you attract because you yourself value people?

Ayuni D: No, I was a fucking cocky kid. I was a brat, and I wanted to punch myself in the past (laughs). I didn’t open up to people. So I am really grateful to the people around me who have supported and cared for this weird guy all these years.

I used to live my life thinking that I would not bother people as much as possible, but now I have learned that people bother each other, hurt each other, and protect each other.

-I learned that people should live by bothering each other, hurting each other, and protecting each other. I learned that people cause each other trouble, hurt each other, and protect each other. Is there a reason why you came to believe that?

Ayuni D: After all, I gradually realized that after working with BiSH and then with PEDRO. It may sound like a big deal to say “contribution,” but I think that contributions such as money and food are just forms and tools.

As long as I am alive, I will always be inconveniencing someone else until the end of my life, and if I can save as many people as I can in return, I think that is a rich way to live. So, I think it is okay to do anything that excites you, as long as it is not against the law. Don’t think too much about it, and if you fail, it’s okay if you fail. It may take effort, but I don’t think it’s necessary to take courage as a very heavy thing.

Size Doesn’t Matter: Reevaluating Goals, Hobbies, and Dreams

-What would you like to say to those who say they don’t have anything they want to do right now?

Ayuni D: I would like to say out loud to those who think that there is nothing they want to do right now and that they have nothing to look forward to in life, “Try taking some action and you might be surprised at how much fun it can be.

I think it really just needs to be something simple at first. Try taking a different route home, or listen to music that you wouldn’t normally listen to because of someone else’s influence. Or, you could try to buy something nice with money and start from the beginning. I think these things will also lead to challenges.

Even if you don’t have any hobbies, if you look at various things, they may become your hobbies. For example, eating a meal is something you will continue to do until you die. If you are going to go to the trouble of doing it every day, you should not only eat what is in front of you, but you should also be conscious of making and eating food that you like. Or you might think about going to that restaurant you are interested in tomorrow. That may lead to a little hope for tomorrow.

I have recently been thinking that what we want to do, our hobbies, and our dreams don’t have to be big, and that we don’t have to think too hard about what we can do for money. So I think that if we take it easy, look at what we can do now, what we have now, and try to make it interesting, it might lead to something.

-I think you feel that the intensity of the message contained in the PEDRO songs you create is also changing rapidly in proportion to your own constant challenges and changes.

Ayuni D: That’s right. I myself am a fluid creature, just as this earth and society are fluid. The way I use words in my lyrics, the way I put them in, the way I think, and the genre of music I want to play are all “deepening” rather than evolving to a degree I can’t imagine. However, there is a fundamental part that has not changed.

-What is that part?

Ayuni D: My goal is “to be a good person,” but I think the part of me that always looks at the world in an oblique way will never change.

-I think that the images and words of expression that come out of this oblique view of the world are also the parts that are changing the most.

Ayuni D: That’s right. I think before it was like just spewing out complaints, but now there is more and more awareness of ideas that are different from my own. Still, I like sarcasm, and I also like a warm, cheerful heart.

Recently, I was thinking that until recently, I wanted to live a life that emphasized serenity and only “joy” out of “anger, sorrow, and pleasure,” but that was very difficult for me. I don’t feel like living. I realized that being too safe was not for me either.

I realized that just as nature needs the four seasons, I need the four emotions of “joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure. That is why I have been thinking recently that I want to be stimulated and experience various realizations and discoveries every day, and pursue the joy of transforming the power of anger and the power of sadness into my own expression.

-I think that now you know, Ayuni, that the heat of anger and sadness can be ultimately output into something positive depending on how you sublimate it.

Ayuni D: Thank you very much. I think you are right. In the end, the biggest thing I want to do is to embrace it all by myself and express it in a sublimated way.

-When the staff said to me in “The Return,” “Just move forward slowly,” Ayuni said, “Maybe I wanted to hear those words for a long time. That scene was very impressive.

Ayuni D: When I was in BiSH, I was the youngest, so I was always in a hurry to get on with my life, and I was always choking myself because I knew I would never be forgiven if I stopped running. I had gotten into that habit.

But as I became independent, I listened to many people and thought, “Oh, life is still long; if I want to live until I am 100 years old, I am still a baby. If I want to live to be 100 years old, I am still a baby. I thought to myself, “What’s the use of rushing to live now? I thought, “I should listen to my body and mind more, listen to others more, take my time to meet various people, and challenge myself in various ways.

On the other hand, I am also realizing that I cannot move forward without stimulation, and that is why I now think that balance is important. I think that it is because I was in a hurry to live at that time that I was able to challenge myself in so many different ways. When I am in a hurry and in a desperate situation, the words, “It’s okay to take it slow,” support me, and when I feel like I am taking it slow and not feeling like living, I want to run hard again and challenge myself a little more. It is really a balance.

Reflecting Forward: Crafting a Letter to Your Future Self

-Now that you are running the band PEDRO, you must be feeling both the real joys and the difficulties of being a team, which is unique to a band.

Ayuni D: The two people who are working with me now are the legendary Mr. Tabuchi, who is the origin and peak of my music, and Yumao, the drummer of Hitolier, who was my youth and superhero in my junior high school days. I have been guided and saved by the parts of the two of them that I am still too much in awe of to touch. The joy of creating a live performance and a work of art that far exceeds my imagination each time is still the real thrill of the show. There are times when I feel like falling apart because I am still inexperienced, but if I remember how good it feels to perform live, I know I can keep going.

-I think that both Mr. Tabuchi and Mr. Yumao have experienced the loss of their loved ones, and because they still have the spirit to continue their music, I think that Ayuni has received a lot of things from you as well.

Ayuni D: You have really received a lot. Every time I talk to both of you, I feel every second that “this person has experienced so many different life experiences. Both of you have made any difficulties into your own flesh and blood. They are the ones who have created the light that can be seen beyond the difficulties they have overcome, and they make me want to pursue what I love even if I have to cut down my soul, and explore this life until I become a grandmother.

-If you were to write a letter to yourself 10 years from now, what kind of words would you like to deliver to yourself?

Ayuni D: I would like to say, “I’ll always be a human apprentice. Explore this life and have adventures until you become a grandmother; there is no such thing as being 30 or being an adult. I think it would be good if I could be as innocent as a child for the rest of my life, and yet be as receptive as an adult. I think that would be the coolest thing.

-Lastly, you chose “Sentimental Anthem” from your own songs as the song you would like to deliver to the people of those days. Please tell us why you chose this song.

Ayuni D: I wrote this song with the idea of celebrating sentimentality and sentimentality, so-called negative feelings, and having fun if we have to. I chose this song because I wanted it to be a trigger for people to look at the seemingly negative things that they tend to see, such as a lack of hope in life or not being able to achieve what they set out to do, from a different perspective, and see if it can lead them to the next path.

At the time I wrote this song, I was only thinking about myself, and although it is a song about my despair, I wrote the lyrics desperately to somehow turn my negative feelings into something positive. I hope that the song will be a source of hope for someone else, and in fact, I believe that “Sentimental Anthem” is the song that is saving me right now.

#WordsToMyYoungerSelf presented by FRISK

FRISK is championing positive strides and ventures with its “#WordsIWantToSendToMyselfFromBackThen” campaign. Here, 11 artists, talents, and creators have penned letters to their former selves, encouraging them to embark on new paths and embrace challenges. Expect interviews and discussions on the letter contents across platforms like CINRA, J-WAVE, me and you, Natalie, NiEW, and QJWeb. The handwritten letters in full will be showcased at the FRISK exhibition titled “Words I Want to Send to Myself from Back Then,” commencing April 11th (Thursday) at BONUS TRACK in Shimokitazawa. (Details here).

#WordsIWantToSendToMyself

Eleven groups of leading artists will present “Words I Wish I Could Deliver to Myself Back Then”. The exhibition features handwritten letters written to their former selves who were once troubled by problems. This exhibition is a gift to all those who will start a new life this spring.

Venue: BONUS TRACK GALLERY, Shimokitazawa (2-36-12 Daita, Setagaya-ku, Tokyo)
Dates: April 11 (Thu) – 17 (Wed), 2024, 11:00 – 20:00 (common for all days) *Opening hours are subject to change.

Participating artists: Sekai Kan Ozaki (Creep Hype), Ayuni D, Boru Juku (Tomoka Tanabe, Hope Sakayori, Anri, Haruka Kiriya), SIRUP, imase, Megane, Ameko Kodama, TENDRE, Kento Nagatsuka (WONK), Aile The Shota, Masaya Mifune (ROTH BART BARON)

Organized by NiEW Supported by FRISK

A special talk show featuring Ayuni D. and Ameiko Kodama x Megane will also be held!
In addition to the exhibition, we will hold a special talk show featuring Ms. Ayuni D., Ms. Ameko Kodama, and Mr. Megane, who have contributed messages to this project, on the stage. Talk show will be held.

Location: BONUS TRACK LOUNGE (2F BONUS TRACK central building tenant 2-36-15 Daita, Setagaya-ku, Tokyo)
Date & Time:
Talk show by Ameiko Kodama and Megane-san” April 11 (Thu) 19:30-20:30 (doors open at 19:00)
Talk show by Ayuni D.” April 14 (Sun.) 14:00-15:00 (doors open at 13:30)

Seating at the venue is limited, so if you wish to attend, please register via the link below. Only winners will be notified after a drawing will be held. (Please set “@niew.jp” as a designated domain to receive emails.)
→Please check the NiEW special page for details.

PEDRO “Omomukumamani Inomukumamani” (赴くままに、胃の向くままに)（CD）

Released on Wednesday, November 29, 2023
Price: 3,300 yen (tax included)
UPCH-20665

1 Return
2 Green Heights
3 Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter
4 Washinshin
5 Music
6 To the Nice One
7 Clean and Proper
8 As you go
9 Fly away
10 The rest of your life