Girl group BiSH, which closed its eight-year history with a live performance at Tokyo Dome on June 29th last year, garnered attention for its members’ individual activities. Amidst this, the youngest member, Ayuni D, held a secret live performance with her band PEDRO at Shin-Okubo FEVER on the day after the group’s dissolution, marking the beginning of an indefinite recharge period without rest and the start of a new season of creative expression.
Ayuni D says that she has been reserved since childhood, always trying not to inconvenience others. During her time in BiSH, she lived in a hurry, constantly reminding herself not to hold back. However, she gradually rediscovered her true self through self-reflection with the support of her beloved people. She gently laughs and says, “I’m still an apprentice of life.”
The “Frisk #WordsToMyYoungerSelf” project aims to support new challenges for working professionals, students, and freshmen. For this project, Ayuni D wrote a letter titled “To My 16-Year-Old Self.” The words she wrote and spun in this interview serve as a message to her past self and as encouragement to those embarking on new lives.
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Breaking Out of Shyness: Ayuni D’s Decision to Audition for BiSH
Former member of BiSH disbanded in June 2023. Currently serving as the bass vocalist for PEDRO. Engaging vigorously in music production, she released a full album titled “Fuku Mamani, I no Mukumamani,” for which she composed and wrote all the songs. Fans resonate deeply with her lyricism that empathizes with people’s lives and her songs that gently support listeners’ backs. Her unique character, along with her distinctive worldview and sensibility, has garnered significant support.
-We read the letter that Auni wrote to us for this project. First of all, could you tell us why you decided to write a letter to your 16-year-old self?
Ayuni D: “When was the first time you made a choice and took a step forward on your own?” I thought, “It was when I joined BiSH. So I wrote a letter to myself at that time.
To my 16-year-old self
At 16, living alone, I reflect, “I was merely a youngster,” yet then, it felt like the “preparation years for adulthood.” My introverted disposition since childhood led me to high school days where I’d return home to find my mother in the kitchen, tears flowing, murmuring, “Life’s joyless.” I yearned for change, an internal plea echoing my desires.
Back then, I stumbled upon an audition for my favorite idol group and quietly submitted my application, keeping it to myself. I made it through. No, they approved me. No, it’s more accurate to say they chose me.
Preface to the letter: The complete text of the letter, penned by Ayuni D., will be on display at FRISK’s “Words to Deliver to the Jibuns of Those Days” exhibition at BONUS TRACK in Shimokitazawa from April 11 (details here). (details here).
-It goes without saying that this was a major turning point in your life. 16 years old “back then” was the first time you had the experience of actively stepping out on your own.
Ayuni D: Yes, that’s right. For example, when I entered high school, I decided because it was close to home or because it suited my academic ability, so I did not choose it with the determination of “I will definitely enter here. I think the first time I listened to my heart’s voice was when I decided I wanted to join BiSH.
My personality has never been very proactive. I was the type to do my best as I was told. But when I auditioned for BiSH, I took the first step on my own without telling anyone. I think my curiosity won out over determination.
-I think “curiosity” is a key word for you, as seen in the documentary video titled “Return” on PEDRO’s Youtube channel.
Ayuni D: I have been a shy person since I was born, so even if I had something on my mind, I couldn’t act on it or say it out loud. But when I was 16 years old, I realized that no one would understand what I was thinking unless I expressed it myself. I tried my best to express my curiosity.
I had always been doing various things at home, such as singing, dancing, and making videos. But I had never released them to the world. I was bothered by myself like that.
-Did you have a complex about your shyness?
Ayuni D: Yes. Ever since I was little, my mom used to say to me, “Ayu, you are a shy person who loses it. She was very active at home, but when we went to my grandmother’s house, she would sit on her haunches all the time and not talk. People around me used to say, “You could let yourself go a little more. I was often told, “You could let yourself go a little more.
-What do you think was holding you back?
Ayuni D: I guess I was just being a good girl. I didn’t like being angry anyway. When I had a bad day at school, I would come home and cry in front of my mom and tell her everything. I did this constantly.
-Your mother took it all in.
Ayuni D: That’s right. Even now, she has always been my best friend.
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In BiSH, striving not to inconvenience others, Ayuni D found her voice through PEDRO’s revival.
-The experience of moving to Tokyo from Hokkaido after being accepted to BiSH’s audition and starting to live alone at the age of 16 must have been quite hard for you.
Ayuni D: I had a lot of experiences, and I was desperate to live in the present, but rather than it being hard, I am very grateful to my family and the president of my office for letting me live alone in Tokyo. I am now very grateful to my family and the president of my office for allowing me to take the first step into life in Tokyo. I am keenly aware every day that the power of people is great. I believe that the power of the people around me is what will help me live tomorrow.
-I think the theme of the documentary “Return” is AYUNI’s recovery of her “true self” in the course of restarting PEDRO after BiSH’s dissolution. Did you feel that you had to leave your individuality behind?
Ayuni D: I think I might have had to. I was never very good at school or group activities, so rather than trying to be what I wanted to be, I prioritized not to bother those around me, not to drag them down, not to get angry at them, and to work desperately hard. So, when I was on my own, I sometimes lost sight of myself.
But as I ran with BiSH as a group and grasped various things, I found enjoyment and felt happiness. I was in the midst of a lifelong apprenticeship (laugh), or perhaps I felt as if I was on a lifelong journey of self-discovery.
-Do you feel like the phase has changed a bit from there now?
Ayuni D: Now I finally listen to my heart properly. For example, when my goal was not realized, I can now see it as, “Thanks to the fact that my goal was not realized, I have various options. I am now able to think with hope that my options are unlimited.
-Did you become able to do so after the restart of PEDRO?
Ayuni D: I was able to realize that. Until then, I had always thought that BiSH was all I had, and the experiences and time I spent with BiSH were nothing but a treasure to me. But now that I’ve put an end to that, I’m able to try all kinds of new things and pursue what I love more, including PEDRO. I want to convey through my activities that there is no need to be depressed even if what I had set out to do does not come true, or rather, I hope I can be a bit of a light.
-I think it was also a big turning point when PEDRO’s activities started in September 2018, when BiSH’s centripetal force was getting bigger and bigger. It must have been mentally and physically difficult to go around in circles, but how did you keep yourself in check?
Ayuni D: Two things: one, I didn’t have the courage to run away in the first place. If I really wanted to quit, I could have, but I was afraid of causing trouble by quitting there. I thought my role was to just work hard.
The other thing was that I simply enjoyed it. When times were tough, the members of BiSH and the people around me helped me out, so I was able to keep going. Every day, every second, I was saved by the people around me. When I was too tired to sleep, my mom would call me every night, and when I couldn’t wash my BiSH costumes in time, Rinrin (now MISATO ANDO) would take my costumes home and wash them. I was really able to stay positive because I had someone helping me every day.
Also, BiSH is very unique among groups like this, and we write our own lyrics. I was grateful to be able to express myself through music. There were many people who met me because they sympathized with me, and I was very grateful and happy that my hope turned into someone else’s hope. I managed to keep a good balance between the two and continued to do so.
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“I’ve Strived not to Inconvenience Others, but now I See People both Inconvenience and Support Each Other.”
-I think that the start of PEDRO was a half-assed proposal from the president and other staff members, but it is also miraculous in a sense that Ayuni herself has taken on the mindset of actively moving the band forward from there and is now the main force in expressive activities, isn’t it?
Ayuni D: It really is. Because the oasis in my heart became PEDRO. The band just happened to suit my nature. It was also through PEDRO that I learned the difficulty, fun, and beauty of creating something from zero to one in a real sense.
I learned that no matter how negative something is, it can be connected to light. It was through PEDRO that I met Hisako Tabuchi of NUMBER GIRL, the person who made me fall in love with music and bands. The passion that was born from meeting other people has inspired me to get excited about music. I am truly blessed with people.
-But isn’t that also the kind of fate that you attract because you yourself value people?
Ayuni D: No, I was a fucking cocky kid. I was a brat, and I wanted to punch myself in the past (laughs). I didn’t open up to people. So I am really grateful to the people around me who have supported and cared for this weird guy all these years.
I used to live my life thinking that I would not bother people as much as possible, but now I have learned that people bother each other, hurt each other, and protect each other.
-I learned that people should live by bothering each other, hurting each other, and protecting each other. I learned that people cause each other trouble, hurt each other, and protect each other. Is there a reason why you came to believe that?
Life revolves around the decisions we make. So, it’s wise to follow the path that ignites your inner passion. Causing inconvenience to others is simply a part of existence. That’s why it’s crucial to make positive contributions to those around us.
Excerpt from Ayuni D’s letter (“Words to Deliver to the Jibuns of Those Days,” presented by FRISK)
Ayuni D: After all, I gradually realized that after working with BiSH and then with PEDRO. It may sound like a big deal to say “contribution,” but I think that contributions such as money and food are just forms and tools.
As long as I am alive, I will always be inconveniencing someone else until the end of my life, and if I can save as many people as I can in return, I think that is a rich way to live. So, I think it is okay to do anything that excites you, as long as it is not against the law. Don’t think too much about it, and if you fail, it’s okay if you fail. It may take effort, but I don’t think it’s necessary to take courage as a very heavy thing.
