INDEX
from Miram #4
Ban-chan, thank you for inviting me the other day.
I didn’t tell you what you wrote when we met, so I realized that all I did was talk about me, and I regretted it a little. But I still had a good time, so again, thank you for listening so kindly to me, sister.
I share the feeling of the voice getting louder in my head when I watch a live performance! I can relate to that feeling!
Do you hear that voice all the time, not only when you are watching a live show, but on a daily basis? I’m already having a hard time hearing it all the time, but when I’m watching a live performance, it’s like I’m being overwhelmed because it’s so smartly and clearly asserting its outline and will. It’s like it’s thinking back on recent events with great concentration, summarizing them in one word, and then booming it at me! and let it resonate with me. Then, as if refreshed, it fits somewhere comfortably on the big, high shelf in my head. In this way, I am bombarded with wave after wave of one word. Even though there are people playing on stage and many customers around me, I feel more alone than anywhere else, and somehow I feel comfortable. In that comfort, I feel like I have nothing to do with anyone else, whether I raise my hands or dance to the rhythm. When I find that space of truth, the waves suddenly subside and I am instantly moved. That feeling is similar to what you call “wow”! I guess that’s close to “Wow! I often find myself waiting for an encore, and then I’m surprised to see how cool the people on stage are. Then, when the show is over, I think, “I wish I could have seen more …….
However, it’s not always this way. Sometimes I worry about the singer’s stuffy nose, or admire the smoothness of the bass player’s fingers. Wow! is an oddity that comes from a combination of various conditions, so I hope you will continue to go to gigs on your own. I have been to a few more live shows than you have, so that’s about all I can say.
Let me back up a bit, I’m always hearing voices, and I’m usually cold and down-to-earth about them, which is something I don’t feel comfortable saying to people. Everyone has that, I’m sure. I think so, and I try so hard to keep it to myself and work it out, but every once in a while, someone will mention it without a second thought, and I get disappointed, disgusted, despairing, and depressed. Empathy may be the easiest emotion to connect people with, but that’s why I feel down again, as if I wish it were a rapture once in a while instead of a constant calm one. So the other day, when I was drinking with you, I got drunk and mumbled to you that I wanted to go to a concert with you. I was wondering what the heck was going on, and as I was worrying about it, I started giggling too, which was quite amusing. I wondered what “mmmmmm” meant. I’ve been thinking and feeling lately that there are times when I suddenly feel lightened by such things that I don’t understand. Thanks again. I hope you don’t catch a cold, too.
