INDEX
“I aspire to radiate positivity, seamlessly integrate into society, foster harmonious relationships with everyone, and lead a tranquil life free from complications.”
I felt that “Kireigire no Diary” contains many moments of your discovery of “this is what the world is like” that you felt in your daily stories.
Shibata: I only write about realizations every month (laughs). I write things like, “I noticed this the other day!” Eureka!” I felt a little embarrassed to go out of my way to tell everyone, “Everyone may know about this, but I didn’t know about it. I was torn between thinking, “Everyone may know about this, but am I the only one who didn’t know about it?
I sometimes think, “This is a very new realization for me, but what if everyone else already knew this, and I am the only one who is stupid?
Shibata: I feel like that happens to me a lot. I am a little off. That’s why I’ve had moments since I was a child when I say something serious and people say, “What? I still feel it. I think it’s about time I joined the mainstream, but I don’t feel like I’m getting involved at all.
I thought I could only write with content like awareness, so I envy those who can write essays about things like “looking at a flowing river. I couldn’t help but think that it has to be made into content.
You said, “If it’s not interesting, it’s meaningless.
Shibata: When I was young, and about 2 or 3 decades ago, it seemed to me that being able to say something sharp or being thought of as “weird” had tremendous value. I really wanted to do something that people would think was “weird” or “interesting” for the rest of my life. Now I feel that everyone is expressing themselves more naturally, without bluffing too much.
How do you feel about this change?
Shibata: I think it is a very good thing. I think there is a sense of futility when you think that you have to be funny, or that you have to be accepted, or that you have to be recognized at your part-time job, and so on. You specialize in saying interesting things and lose yourself, or you start to put down something in particular.
It is really good to be able to talk naturally and express yourself. It’s okay to be weird, it’s okay to be normal, and it’s okay not to have a single impression. But at the same time, there is a part of me that feels that the times are getting tighter. That part is strange. People can now live so naturally, but I wonder if freedom is still difficult.
In “The Diary of a Fragment,” there is a passage (“The Sun of 2025”) in which you write about exactly this kind of feeling.
Shibata: I am a rather old-fashioned person, so perhaps that kind of conflict is a big part of it. I am becoming a little freer, but at the same time, the stereotypes and imprints that I have cultivated over the years are tingling against new sensations, and I may be feeling constricted. I have the feeling that as the years go by, I am becoming more and more stiff, not softer and slower. And that’s physically true, too.
I believe there might be moments in the time you depict in this book that are marked by the internal conflicts you mentioned, but you don’t explicitly describe them as being tinged with a sense of melancholy, do you?
Shibata: I think this is because I am a coward. I think I haven’t really been able to face myself and write about myself. I really don’t like the state I am in, and I want to be as cheerful as possible, to blend in with society, to get along with everyone, and to live an uneventful life.
Toward the end of the series, I felt that things had changed a bit, but now that it’s over, I realize that I was only skimming the top layer. I don’t know why I even wrote the book, but that’s how I feel. So, recently, I have been writing a diary intensely and thinking that I need to re-strike my true feelings from the ground up, while wallowing around in it. Of course, there is the point of view of whether that is worth writing in a 1,200-word serial, but I feel that I can now write interestingly, including the sordid parts of myself.
Satoko Shibata’s “Kiregire no Diary 2017-2023”
On sale October 23, 2023
Price: 2,310 yen (tax included)
Published by Bungeishunju
